Today is one of those days where my mind is full and I have emotions that no word can adequately describe. I seem to be overflowing with frustrations and unanswered questions, along with hurt, pain, and feelings of helplessness. The only way I know to try and allow these raw thoughts and emotions to spill forth in a constructive outlet is to write. So here today after many days of not doing so, I come to you…cyberworld….TO WRITE. (or type…lol)
It has been too long since I have written that I cannot remember if I have mentioned before that I have children. While this may or may not be new news I’m pretty sure the information coming below will be new. My DD is a wonderful “normal” child who has had many medical “issues” her entire life. I at a time, in my medication-free and obsessive-compulsive-full time of my life, had been entirely focused with “figuring out” (yes compulsively) how to fit the pieces of her “issues” together to get an answer to what it all meant. However, I with hard work, medication, and time had allowed these issues to exist without them consuming me.
Today was a very hard day though because the worries, unanswered questions, frustrations, and sadness that plagues me when I am face to face with my inability to make everything all right for her came flooding back. We had an appointment with yet another “specialist” (in her lifetime she has seen multiple) and I had been a little nervous about it ever since we made the appointment. Even through the nervousness I had allowed myself some hope that this would be the one that fit some of the pieces together and told me that they knew what the problem was and that they were with us on this journey.
My hopes came crashing down when meeting with this doctor and when I left I felt even more defeated and crushed than before. While he did give a new angle to what could possibly part of the problem and did seem somewhat knowledgeable in where to at least start treatment if that ends up being the problem. (I believe she has PANDAS…Pediatric AutoImmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections. This Dr. believes she may also have had undiagnosed Rheumatic Fever.)
He was very curt and in my opinion landed right on the border of being right down rude. Don’t get me wrong….I appreciate a straight shooter. But by the time I walked out of his office my DD was crying and I felt as if I wanted to tell him off and then go in a corner and cry too.
to be continued……